make/do
It took me all day to be ok today. It wasn’t until I was mid-home workout that I finally freed myself from the judgement that had been…
It took me all day to be ok today. It wasn’t until I was mid-home workout that I finally freed myself from the judgement that had been creeping around me all day. Squat jumps are punishing enough to make you forget everything, including why you’ve been stuck inside your own mind all day. I even forget how to write today.
There is an inertia pulling me toward productivity today, and the tiny critic inside is whispering doing is the way to contentment and figuring it out is the way to happiness, even though I know that is not the whole truth. Making and doing can feel great. Productivity can be deeply satisfying. But in this time, right here and now, even basic doing and making seem really difficult. Today I tried to make a simple how-to video and I felt like a strange puppet version of myself. What I ended up with content-wise was ok, but watching the footage I recorded, seeing myself trying to be normal and light onscreen, it all felt far away from my usual ease and grounded-ness. The shot was too far away; I talked too quickly.
On more than one occasion over the past couple of weeks, I’ve referred to myself as having pandemic brain. My mind sometimes feels dull and quiet, at times deactivated. I’m certain much has been or is in the process of being written on what this crisis is doing to our hearts and minds, but it’s interesting experiencing it in real time, yes? I’m not likening this to the acute stress of being a healthcare worker or caretaker. This is not that, nor am I making a comparison between myself and someone who has an actual job to do, a place that is requiring them to be competent and engaged (all while parenting, homeschooling, worrying, recovering from illness, etc-ing). All I have to do I get myself out of bed each morning, make the coffee, feed people and make sure they learn a handful things over the course of the day. And try to take care of myself. It’s the least I can do.
Today’s best things: my kids carefully arranging pink magnolia petals into the shapes of flowers only to watch them blow away moments later, my nephew mischievously running around with the phone during FaceTime, and that picture I took of myself jumping.
I am making do.