miracles
I can’t stop being sad or angry. I am angry or sad or some combination of both for most of the day. There’s a gif of a gymnast losing her…
I can’t stop being sad or angry. I am angry or sad or some combination of both for most of the day. There’s a gif of a gymnast losing her balance over and over and over but not falling off the beam. I have it saved on my phone. She just twists and turns and folds in half but doesn’t fall off.
She stays on/it’s a miracle.
It’s a miracle/I stay on.
I am writing these words because this week, I can’t remember exactly how to find exterior joy. I am writing these because things keep twisting my middle and pain my mouth and then bad news. So much bad news.
It’s all so tough/It just keeps rolling in.
It just keeps rolling in/it’s so tough.
I haven’t felt any true clarity in nearly eight months. Is it the same for you? Or is everything fine? It’s colder in this apartment than it is outside. I throw my meager energies around the gymnasium of this moment — I organize events, vigils, text banking, I push hard for safe re-opening of schools.
I post the things that feel like they matter big/everything matters so big. Everything matters so big/the things that matter are slipping and I hate it. What’s wrong with you people. You death rattlers, you double-chinned pasty assholes. You uniformed cowards. I have no more patience.
You have no shame/I have to get bigger.
I have to get bigger/no shame.
I have to help build a platform that comes up to either side of the beam and offers an easy step towards something anything please to help relieve folks of their troubles. And I have to teach my kids how to build it at the same time I’m teaching myself and their attention span is pretty short. I want to make it not from shitty plywood, but of lignum vitae, which is, unfortunately, endangered, but that’s ok that’s fine, we’ll use the next hardest wood we can get our hands on as we scramble about the Lowes in our leotards. Yes, we’re all wearing leotards and we look fucking fabulous, all of us. We are shiny, sparkled, basic, bedazzled. All styles and smiles. We find the wood and the tools and the nails and the strength over and over and we all gather to build it up along both sides of the leather beam. It’s a perfect fit and it looks so good. We did a great job together and it only took generations, but you can barely see the seam anymore, the colors match so beautifully.