It doesn’t matter where I start, I’ll start somewhere.
Tonight I lit the silver candle, I washed the twin quartz crystal, put them both next to two ruby red grapefruits set out for the morning, to be met with scrunched up noses and whines, to be sure, then drizzled with honey and cut into deep wedges with the special knife we have for just this purpose.
I am looking for fun.
On this day…[insert the photo from MLK day four years ago]
Before we began attending, I would bring the girls to our public school’s annual MLK Day of Service and Learning, a full-day event that included meeting, singing, and the opportunity to choose workshops to attend, some of which were led by students themselves. When the girls were four, we sat on the rug in a Pre-K classroom, cutting and knotting the ends of soft fleece blankets to be taken to a nearby shelter. We sang along with Stevie’s Happy Birthday in the auditorium. We walked the halls lined with students’ protest art. We walked out of that building with our hearts bigger than when we walked in. I haven’t been past the security desk since March 2020. I want back in. I want back in. I want back in.
I am looking inside.
There are two kids at the table now, one is asking me if I’ve ever been in a limo. The other one shows me the illustration from the graphic novel she’s reading that inspired the other’s question. Then they ask me,
Mom, what is a hulluckashon? and I say
—I need to see the word.
I look at the page.
—It says hallucination.
What’s a hallucination?
—When you see something that isn’t there.
This phase of life has made me question if I’m even here. Have I actually done all these things? I say to myself as I retrofit my resumé to shine in right way for the job to which I’m applying this time. Did I direct this show? Did I perform that late at night? Have I ever had a conversation about a single line of text and what’s underneath it? How fast could I sew a pointe shoe ribbon in a pinch? Did any of it really happen? Did I make it up?
Am I looking for things that aren’t there anymore?